‘Spending Time Together As A Family’ is code for ‘Learning To Co-Exist With A Creature Hell-Bent On Destroying Us From The Inside Out Through Destruction Of Our Brain Through Exhaustion’. Also, ‘Shop’ is code for ‘Ice Cream Store’, and ‘Work’ is code for ‘Eating Ice Cream’.
Guys, can we quickly address just how insane this is? There are doctors, nurses, and all sorts of other smart, reasonable, intelligent people just meandering about the hospital at any given time… And you come in, push out a kid, hang out there for like 48 hours and they’re all ‘yea, you guys seem like you’re nice enough people, we entrust you with keeping this human being alive. No, no… We understand that literally nothing you have ever done qualifies you to do this but… We kind of have a hunch about you guys, despite the fact that we’ve had to tell you on at least fourteen occasions that you cannot smoke cigarettes in the hospital.’
One time I stepped in cat vomit and that was the worst day of my life. The idea that it could possibly be actively running down my back is a thought that I can’t even bare to begin to understand.
Sometimes I’ll come home from being out for several hours, and there will be a winter hat on the floor for no reason. I mean, the reason is that my cat has been dragging it around for a while, because he does his own thing while we’re out. But I like to think that cats are going on irresponsible benders while we’re out of the house. Eating entire pizzas, doing cocaine, that kind of stuff. If nothing else, I think that winter hats out of place tell me that’s exactly what’s happening.