The cat poops in a sandbox in the corner but vomits into a human toilet for some reason.
Did you know that gambling on tennis is absolutely HUGE internationally? Your first thought when I say this is surely ‘wtf, that can’t possibly be true’, but it is! Apparently it’s because tennis matches are going on almost literally at every second of every day everywhere. Like, there are tournaments going on every weekend, and it’s something that a TON of people are wagering money on. Certainly surprised me when I found this out in passing that one time that may or may not have actually happened.
Skyping someone from the bathroom when you’re hungover is just the most obnoxious sort of call you could ever make. I’ve simultaneously been pooping while on the phone a solid forty times in my life, but this whole thing that Rita’s doing is just straight up rude as hell.
Hangovers. They’re the worst am I right? (applause break) I mean, seriously, it’s like God’s way of punishing us if you think about it (applause break). “Don’t have toooo much fun down there!” (raucous applause break, lean back in smug appreciation of yourself for creating a new mountaintop for which other comedians to aspire to climb to)